


Love Looks Good on Us

by dontcallmeeds



Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: Coming Out, Declarations Of Love, Falling In Love, Fix-It, Grizz Visser comes out, Grizz is a John Hughes nerd, Grizz learns how to sign "kiss me" like he wanted, Grizz learns more sign language, Grizz loves Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Idiots in Love, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Sam is a dad when Grizz is sick, Sam is conflicted, Sam knows how to drive a stick-shift, grizz and sam are adorable, grizz knows how to cook, grizz meets eden for the first time, take a shot every time i have "grizz visser" written out and in italics, there isn't a dumb freaking coup
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:40:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 21,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22864942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontcallmeeds/pseuds/dontcallmeeds
Summary: Once Grizz returns from the expedition beyond New Ham, he's mostly exhausted, but there's still one thing on his mind. Sam Eliot. Is there a way that they can exist in this new world like this? Now that there's a baby between them, will they ever get the teenage love they've both dreamed of? Or will doubt tear them apart?
Relationships: Allie Pressman & Gareth "Grizz" Visser, Becca Gelb & Gareth "Grizz" Visser, Gareth "Grizz" Visser & Eden Gelb, Sam Eliot & Becca Gelb, Sam Eliot/Gareth "Grizz" Visser
Comments: 30
Kudos: 81





	1. The Return

**_grizz_ **

Well, at least the town didn't completely go to shit while I was gone. I have to admit, I was a bit worried. When I left, the tension wasn’t exactly low, to put it simply. With the election coming up, it seemed like everybody was at each other’s throats. I could see this weird kind of glare in everybody’s eyes, and the people I had known for so long seemed...different somehow, like this town has changed them for the worse. It’s like that one book we had to read in middle school English,  _ Lord of the Flies _ , that everyone hated. They hate it because they didn't want to read. _ I  _ hate it because I don’t believe the mentality that inside every person subject to unsatisfactory conditions would release this hidden evil that was secretly inside of them ever since they were born. I didn't believe that humans and born evil; I thought it took a real monster to commit those kinds of atrocities. Now, I don’t really know what to believe. The people here...I think they forget who the real monster is. It’s not us; it’s whoever, or whatever put us here. 

The citizens of New Ham--I guess that’s what I’m calling them now, instead of classmates--stare at us as we walk through town, trudging mud from the woods along the bricks of the town square. We’re all exhausted, and every step is a struggle, but it’s not like we regret it. I don’t think I’m the only one who could have lived the rest of my life in those woods. It’s a whole other world out there, better than the twisted and confusing world we’re living in now, where we pretend everything’s normal and that the world isn’t messed up. Out in the woods...there’s no murder, or fake government, or rationed food, or psychopaths, or boys who can’t get out of your head. There’s just trees, and dirt, and the sound of nature calling you like some kind of siren. There’s the way that the water trickled down streams or the way the leaves whistled in the wind or the way the chirps of birds serenaded you until you felt completely at peace. It feels almost as difficult to come back as it was to leave in the first place. I’m not sure about how the others feel, or if they feel the same as me in this regard, but I think we all needed a break from this demented reality we have to call home. 

I know they’re all expecting me to start yelling out all of the good news, and maybe I’m worrying them by not doing that, but I want to wait until we get to Allie’s. At least, I’m hoping that’s who I need to report to. I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to send us off during the election, but I think they all knew who we were voting for, anyway. As we walked up to the door, to my surprise, Clark was still guarding the door. I’m not sure if this was a good sign, or a bad sign, but at least he didn't overthrow the government so  _ he _ could become Mayor or some shit. Wouldn’t  _ that _ be hilarious?

“You guys are back,” he says when he sees us. “How did the expedition go?”

I look to the others. 

“Well, I was wanting to talk to Allie about it first, if you don’t mind, Clark.” He digs his hands into his pockets, like he’s offended, but he backs away and lets us through the door. “Thanks, buddy.” 

The Committee is still, of course, in their usual spot in the kitchen of Allie’s house, all sitting around the island. 

Allie’s at the stove, cooking eggs. Gordie’s sitting at the counter, reading some kind of medical book; it’s good to see at least someone is being proactive. Will is sitting beside him, and he’s staring at Allie like a hawk, probably because they all treat her like she’s a kid that can’t make her own breakfast, let alone govern a whole town of unhappy and ungrateful subjects. To some extent, it’s true. She’s no Cassandra. No one could ever be Cassandra. Becca’s missing from beside Sam, who sat at the other side of the island, his back turned from us, and drinking something from a ceramic mug. I swear we have been standing for at least thirty seconds, and they didn't notice us. Their heads must be preoccupied with something.

“Anyone home?”

That seemed to get their attention.

“Grizz! You scared me.” Allie turns from her eggs, leaving them unattended, which makes Will immediately tense up. Everyone looks up from their food, books, and cups. Sam turns around so he can watch me talk and read my lips and I watch his leg start to gently bounce against his chair. “I’m so glad you guys made it back safely.” The group returns their thanks. “Well, what did you find?” I look around to the others, to see if anyone else wants to announce it, but I guess I had been selected as the leader, and Allie trusts me the most. 

“We found land. Food, too. Fish and turkey. It’s big enough for all of us. We can learn to farm, and we can fish nearby and hunt the turkey.” Allie squeals and claps her hands as the others sigh out of relief.

“Thank god,” Gordie mumbles. “We’re saved.”

“For a while, at least,” I add. “People are already getting tired of the weekly rotation of chicken, spaghetti, and pizza. I’m sure they won’t exactly be jazzed about having to eat turkey and fish for a few months before we can actually grow anything worthwhile.” I think I ruined the news for them, because their heads drop back down like they were before. 

“He’s right,” Sam says. “We’ll have to adjust them to the idea.” We make eye contact, and I can see all of the hesitation in his eyes as he looks me up and down. I had a lot to think about in the woods, and plenty of time. The woods is the perfect place to ponder all of your problems. I decide to smile at him, to give him some sort of closure. His face softens and he smiles back. 

“Of course,” Allie replies. “And we will. Grizz, can you come to a town meeting later today?”

“Not to offend, miss Mayor, but we’re sort of exhausted. We could probably sleep for the rest of the week.” 

“I can barely feel my legs,” Bean adds from behind me. “I could sleep for an eternity, probably.” 

“Right. Of course. We can save the meeting for tomorrow. You all need your rest. Thank you, Grizz.” I turn around to face my team, who all look ecstatic to head home to their beds. 

“You guys go ahead. You deserve it. I’m going to stay here for a minute and then head home. Thanks for all your hard work.” They all trickle out one by one and, despite every inch of my body begging for a long, long nap, I decide to stay and figure out what the hell had happened while we were in the woods. Something was up, and I could tell. Becca isn’t with them, and Will’s always watching Allie like she’s super fragile or something. The town  _ feels  _ different, too. I take a seat by Sam, and he shifts his chair closer. 

“Well, what did I miss?” Allie slides her eggs onto her plate and grabs a fork from the silverware drawer. 

“I won the election,” Allie starts, taking a bite of her eggs. “Lexie and Harry tried to start a coup, even trying to get the members of the Guard to go against me, but the people trust me. I’ve gotten them this far, right? They’re under control.”

“And Campbell?” 

“Campbell is under control, too. Don’t worry about him.” 

“Is that another way of saying that they’re in custody?”

“Just trust me, okay?” 

“Alright.” 

“Becca had the baby,” Gordie adds. “They named her Eden.” I look over at Sam, and his hand, still gripped around his mug, is shaking lightly. 

“She’s beautiful, Grizz,” Allie states after swallowing her eggs. “You should see her when you’re not busy.” I hesitate, and I can feel Sam staring at me, waiting to respond, but I don’t really know what to say. What  _ do _ you say? My boyfriend--if that’s what we are--just had a baby. They don’t know we’re dating, or that he fathered a baby even though just a few weeks ago we were...well, you know. How am I supposed to react in a situation like this, anyway? Is there some kind of manual I could follow? Because I need one. 

“Uh, yeah. I’m probably going to sleep for the next week, but...of course I have to meet the first born resident of New Ham, right?” I look over at Sam, and his hands stop shaking. I sigh, look around, and then stand, suddenly realizing I’d rather go home and start my hibernation immediately. 

“Are you sure there’s nothing I can get you to drink or to eat?”

“No, Allie, it’s okay. I’m just gonna head home, actually.” 

I go to turn away, but I feel a hand grip onto my jacket sleeve. 

“Wait,” Sam whispers. “I’ll walk you home.”

“You don’t have to do that, Sam,” I whisper back. “I can walk by myself--”

“Just let me walk you home.”

I decide not to argue. 

+

“You know you didn't have to walk me home, right?” 

I can’t deny I’m happy to see him. I wanted to talk to him as soon as I left. I wish it was just me and him in the woods, with no responsibilities. I can talk to Sam for hours, I know that. I never really talked to him that much before, so we have years and years of stories to share. I want to know every single thing about Sam Eliot, and I’m not afraid to admit it to myself anymore. If I’m stuck in this world, and God only knows when we’ll return, I’m not going to spend it in denial, or lying about myself. I’m gonna be open, and I’m gonna be free, and I’m gonna be honest. When I look at Sam, there’s a little glimmer of hope that he might feel the same way, but something is always holding him back. I wish I knew how to unlock it. 

“I know, but I wanted to.” 

The thing about talking to Sam is that you have to always look at him when you talk. You can’t just avoid a conversation with him, or say something with your back turned. You  _ have  _ to say it to his face. It’s a blessing  _ and _ a curse. 

“Isn’t Becca waiting for you? Are you just coming with me so you can pick up diapers or something?”

“Kelly is keeping her company.” Sam stops abruptly, so I turn to face him once again. “I was scared, you know. I was scared you might not come back. But you did.”

“I promised you I would.” I step closer to him, and I can feel him tense up. 

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” he admits. “Even in the hospital, I was just wondering what you were doing out there. If you were cold, or if you were hungry, or if you were lonely, or if…if you were still upset with me, and that if you died, you would die being upset with me.”

“Sam.”

“It made me sick to my stomach.” I clutch his coat, digging my fingers into it, and pull him closer. 

“I’m okay. I’m right here. I would read  _ Walden  _ each night before I went to bed, and then I wouldn’t be able to sleep because  _ you _ were all I could think about. Because  _ I  _ was too busy wondering what you were eating, or who you were talking to, or if you were safe, or if fucking  _ Campbell  _ would somehow do something to you, or if--” I don’t like that thought. I didn’t like what I was going to say, so I stopped, but I’m already in too deep.

“If what?” 

My head drops, and I don’t want to say it, but that’s the thing about Sam, right? You can’t avoid it. He takes his finger and props my head back up, and my eyes lock with his baby blues, and I just melt, right there, in his arms. 

“I--I wondered if Becca had the baby, and if--if you had forgotten about me.” It’s a bad thought, and I hate saying it to his face. I hate watching his face scrunch up and his eyes fill with tears. I hate making him sad, or mad, or disappointed, but some things can’t be avoided. He’s quiet for a second, and then his lips are on mine and he pulls my neck down so I can kiss him harder. I’m tired, no doubt, but his kisses are like a jolt of electricity springing me back to life. I missed this. I missed him, but there is still this hesitation, this separation between the two of us that can’t be solved with just a kiss or two. There’s still a huge fucking elephant in the room, and I’m afraid it will always be there, just looming over us, but in this moment, it’s just us. Just a boy kissing a boy. I wish I could’ve kissed him years ago, instead of hiding, but this is the moment I get. He pulls away, and I feel the exhaustion hit me again, slowly returning all over my body. I slump into his arms. 

“I could never forget you, Grizz Visser. Not even if I tried,” he whispers into my ear. He kisses my cheek lightly and wraps his arm around my waist. “Let’s get you home.” 


	2. They Finally Meet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Becca are learning how to take care of a child in this weird society, and to make it worse, Sam's boyfriend Grizz is meeting her. Can it be any more awkward?

**_sam_**

Grizz has been sleeping for twenty-four hours straight now, as the clock hands reach eleven. I think Becca has noticed that I’ve been distant, but I can’t help it. My mind was with him, in the woods. Now it’s sitting at the edge of Grizz’s bed, waiting for him to wake up. I think to some extent it’s because of the guilt, the guilt and pain that settles at the bottom of my stomach as soon as I wake up til I go to bed at night, the guilt that keeps me awake for hours and reminds me of all of my mistakes. I went wrong with Grizz, and it all went wrong so fast, and now, after a week of thinking he might die, I’ve realized I’m desperate to make it up to him. I look over at Becca, who’s cuddling Eden as she sleeps, and she’s already staring back at me. Her eyebrows raise into an arch. 

_“_ Welcome back to planet Earth,” she says. I roll my eyes. 

_I’m just tired,_ I sign back. 

“Uh huh. Sure. Nothing’s bothering you?”

 _Not anymore._ I walk over to the bed and sit beside her. I watch Eden as she lays in her mother’s arms, and my mind is immediately brought back to reality. She’s a cute sleeper, and after constant crying for the past week, it’s nice to have her sleeping well. I could tell the crying really bothered Becca. I couldn’t hear her cries, but it was hard to see her shake, to see her little face scrunch up into a bunch of wrinkled skin, and her tongue flailing in her mouth against her gums. It hurts to watch people you love in pain, or discomfort, even when you can’t hear their screams. I wrap my arm around Becca’s back and let her nuzzle her head into my collarbone. She’s tired, and I don’t blame her. I’m tired, too. I’m tired of so many things. She sits back up, and looks at me. 

“Can you hold her? I need to pee. Might be a while.”

_No problem. Don’t fall in._

“Ha, ha.” She slides Eden into my arms softly, trying not to break the peace she’s worked so hard to keep intact. I nuzzle her against my chest and let her lay there, and her little arm immediately shoots up to get more comfortable. I lay my head against the headboard and watch her sleep. I wish I could sleep. God knows I need it. Out of the corner of my eye, someone is standing in the door frame. I look over, thinking it’s Becca, but instead, it’s Grizz, leaning against the wall. He looks much more rested, and his hair is dangling in his face instead of in his usual bun. He’s wearing his red and black flannel, which has always been my favorite of his. 

“Grizz.”

 _Hi,_ he signs. His eyes linger on me for a second, but he realizes soon that it’s _not_ just us. He points at Eden. “I can see you’re busy. I’ll come back later.”

“Wait.” I stand, not wanting him to leave, and hold Eden up. Luckily, I didn't wake her up when I yelled. “Stay.”

“I don’t know, Sam.” I walk over to him, and he stays close to the door, hanging onto the wall. His hands are kind of shaky and his eyes are glossy, but this moment--it can’t be avoided. He has to meet her at some point. I want him to meet her. God, I want him to like her. Love her, even. I can’t live a life where I have to choose. Please, don’t make me choose. “I don’t know how to hold a baby.” 

“I’ll teach you. I didn't know how to do it either, at first.” I hold Eden against my right shoulder and grab Grizz’s hand with the other, pulling him over to the bed. It’s like before, the first time we kissed, but now he’s holding my daughter. That’s still weird to say. I’m sure it’s even weirder for him as I gently transfer Eden over to Grizz’s extended hands. He holds her upright, and she luckily still hasn’t woken up yet. His hands look huge when they’re wrapped around Eden’s back. I place my hand against his, keeping Eden steady, and I look up at his face, trying to read whatever emotion he’s feeling. His lips are curled into a sweet smile, and his eyes are even glossier than before, and before I know it, a single tear drips down his cheek. He laughs softly and rubs his tear away with his right hand before returning it. He looks at me, and I can feel my own eyes getting wet. The way he looks at me--it’s a look of pure wonder. 

“She…She’s awesome.” I chuckle, and I feel the tears start running down my cheek. “Oh!” I look down, and it’s obvious Eden is awake. She doesn’t cry; no, she just stares up at Grizz, and her smile is huge, the biggest I’ve ever seen, and she starts to grab for his hair, which is dangling in her face. He wipes his tears away and laughs. I grab the black hair tie around Grizz’s wrist and I tie his hair back for him. His hair is so smooth and flawless. No wonder he keeps it so long. Grizz pulls Eden closer to his face and he blows raspberries, making her howl with laughter. It’s good to see her mouth wide open to laugh instead of cry. He raises her up in the air and blows into her stomach, making her laugh even more. “Hiiiiii, Eden. I’m Gareth, but you can call me Grizz.” I laugh, and I grab onto his shoulder. 

In the corner of my eye, I see Becca this time. I let go of Grizz’s shoulder. 

“I was beginning to think you fell in,” I joke, standing up. She flips me off and walks toward Grizz and Eden. 

“Grizz, I’m so glad you came to meet the newest member of New Ham.” I look over at him, and he’s still obsessed with Eden, letting her continue to poke his face and stick her fingers in his dimples. 

“Of course. Couldn’t miss it. She’s been a riot, I’m telling you.” He stands up and hands Eden over to her carefully. “I’d better return her to her mommy, though.” 

“Oh, you don’t have to leave--!”

“No, it’s probably best if I head out. I’m _basically_ the head of the ‘committee for going home,’ so I have to go and discuss everything I found out with Allie and the rest of them before I do anything else.” He turns to look at me. “It was a nice visit. I’ll have to babysit sometime.”

“That’d be great, Grizz,” Becca says and signs. “I think she likes you.” Eden’s holding her arm out, reaching out for Grizz to come back. He smiles and puts his index finger inside Eden’s hand before walking away. He looks over at me and winks. I know my face probably has the biggest, dumbest grin he’s ever seen. 

“Talk to you later, Sam.” 

“See you.” I turn around after he leaves, and Becca is staring at me with a determined glare. Her eyebrows are back up into an arch. “What?”

“I think you have a crush on Grizz.”

 _You’re ridiculous,_ I sign. 

" _You’re_ ridiculous! I saw the way you looked at him. I know a crush when I see one, and you have a _crush_ on Grizz Visser.” 

_Becca._

“It’s okay! You’re allowed to have a crush, you know.” She chuckles. 

What am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to tell her that we’ve already had sex, that I’m basically obsessed with the guy and now he’s in love with my daughter and I’m probably falling in love with him and I just wanted to kiss him before he left but I couldn’t? How am I supposed to tell her that I’ve been avoiding this exact subject and have been keeping it hidden from her for months? I mean, what if she wanted me to leave her and Eden behind so I could have my own family? I told her before I was fine being Eden’s dad because I didn't have anyone to love, anyway. Now I do. What if she thinks I want out?

_Well, I don’t have a crush on him._

It wasn’t a lie, not entirely. I don’t have a crush on Grizz. No, it’s something else.

I just don’t know exactly what yet. 


	3. Love is Confusing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you know you're in love? That's what Grizz is trying to find out. He's definitely in too deep.

**_grizz_**

How do you know if you’re in love?

I’m mostly talking about Eden, but Sam works, too. I’ve never really been in love before; not really. I’ve had crushes. A lot, a lot of crushes. None as intense as Sam, but still. I’ve had a few girlfriends, and I’ve slept with a few, but those obviously didn't mean anything. I’ve never been close enough with anyone to ask myself this question, the “big L” question, but now I’ve gotten to the point where it’s unavoidable. _This_ is how it’s supposed to feel, I think. _Love_ . When I kiss Sam, it feels like I’ve finally found my home in all of this madness. He’s safe, I think. He makes me feel safe. When we had sex, it felt like Big Bang was happening all over again, but deep in my stomach. It was like the stars were all aligned and everything felt _right,_ and better than anything I had ever felt. It was how it was supposed to feel, and what I hadn’t felt in my entire life. 

I’m confused. Is that _love_ ? I wonder if he’s feeling all of the same things, or if he’s more certain. I want to wonder if he has had the thought, _do I love Grizz? Yeah, I do._ Or not. He could definitely not love me. That thought kind of makes my stomach hurt--wait, do I _want_ him to love me? All of these questions are making my head hurt. 

I’ve taken a lot into consideration. First, the whole Becca and Eden situation. I thought I wanted to avoid it as much as possible, to only focus on Sam, but as soon as that baby took her little tiny baby hand and stuck it in my dimples and grabbed my hair, I was hooked. I’m officially _in it._ I finally understand why people go nuts over babies. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad she’s not mine. I don’t want any babies. I’m totally and completely fine with only seeing her when she’s smiley and bubbly and even _asleep_ instead of fussy and smelly. 

I need someone else’s opinion. I already came out to one person, but I think it’s time I go deeper. I’m going to be stuck in this hellhole for a long time, I think, so I might as well stop pretending. I need to be the real Grizz, not the one I’ve been acting as for as long as I can remember. I’m _really_ tired of lying to people, and being something I’m not. I think it’s Sam. He’s _definitely_ got his hooks in me. 

Like father, like daughter, I guess. 

+

I knock on Allie’s door. The ‘committee on going home’ meeting was over, and thank god it was. I was getting tired of meetings. A meeting for this, a meeting for that. So many meetings. I get that they’re essential for our survival and all, but _jesus._ Well, I guess you could call this a “meeting.” 

“Come in.” I walk in, and she’s sitting at her desk with her reading glasses on. She really does look like some kind of leader, or more just like an old woman I guess. She looks like her mom. “Oh, hey, Grizz.”

“Hey. Are you busy?”

“I _was,_ but I was wanting an excuse to get out of it anyway.” She takes off her glasses, spins around in her chair, and motions toward the bed for me to sit. It almost feels like it’s some kind of therapy session. _Here, lay down on my couch and tell me all of your problems._ I almost expect her to take out her notepad and start taking notes and say ‘How does that make you _feel_ ?’ I take a seat on the bed in front of her and she crosses her leg over the other. “What’s up?” Oh, I see, she’s a _cool_ therapist. 

“I just wanted to talk about...uh, something that’s been bothering me.” 

“Okay. Shoot.” 

I usually stare at my hands when I’m nervous. Or my feet. My face usually starts twitching a little, too, and my eyes blink a lot. I cross my feet at the ankles and I can feel my hands start to get sweaty. This isn’t like the therapy session I had been dreaming up. At least, when you go to therapy, it’s sort of like talking to a stranger, but a stranger who won’t judge. A stranger who knows everything about you, but doesn’t care. They’re just there to give an unbiased, honest opinion. They won’t go and tell everyone you know about it, or get mad at you, or ignore you forever, or out you to the whole town. They just nod, and go “uh huh,” and “do you want to talk about it?” I think I’d prefer that to this ball of anxiety I’m feeling. It’s _Allie,_ and she accepts _Sam_ being gay, so why wouldn’t she accept _me_? Allie’s accepting. She’s a nice person and a great leader. She’s basically my best friend at this point, and yet my tongue is tied and my throat feels like it’s burning. 

“Grizz?”

I realize I haven’t said anything. I suddenly am aware of how much saliva is settling in my mouth, so much that I’m afraid I might dribble. 

“Uh, yeah, so…” I’m trying to decide whether to draw this out or just say it point blank: _I’m gay, and I’ve been seeing your cousin--no, not Campbell, gross--and I think I might be in love with him but he had sex with his best friend and now has a daughter who I also kind of am in love with and I don’t know what to do._ That’s a whole mouthful. “I, uh, I’m kind of gay.”

“‘Kind of’?”

“Okay, I’m not ‘kind of’ gay. I just am. Gay.” Why does my mouth refuse to work? Is my brain short-circuiting? What the hell?

She puts her hand on my knee, and I look up from down at my sweaty palms into her soft, kind blue eyes. She’s got eyes like Sam. It must run in the family. It immediately calms me, and I wipe my palms on my shorts. 

“Grizz.”

“You’re the second person I’ve told. Well, third, I guess.” I guess I ‘came out’ to Sam whenever I started shoving my penis up his ass. “I was going to come out when I left for college and I never had to see anybody from West Ham ever again, but now things are...complicated, to say the least.” She smiles even harder at me.

“Well, I’m honored that you trust me enough to tell me.” I smile back at her, and I feel my eyes get watery. No, no crying. You can cry at a therapy session. All emotions are welcome there, if not encouraged. I don’t want to cry in front of Allie like a baby. The last time I did that, she took my gun and shot Dewey in the head. “You don’t have to be worried, Grizz. Everyone here is really accepting, surprisingly. Look at Sam. When he came out to me, he was so scared that everyone was going to turn on him. And yeah, some people weren’t too jazzed, but even the really religious people like Helena still accepted him nonetheless. Honestly, I don’t think people care that much.” My hands are sweaty again. I look down at them as I wipe them more on the already moist areas of my shorts. “Grizz. Grizz, look at me.” I obey, and she looks more concerned now. Her eyebrows are in a line and her smile is barely there. 

“What about the Guard?” I ask with my voice shaking. “Won’t they think I want to like, fuck them or something?” 

“Hey.” She pauses. “Everyone here loves you. _Especially_ the Guard. No one’s opinion of you is going to be changed because of this, I guarantee you that. You’re _Grizz,_ no matter what. This is just one part of the amazing person you are, but you’re not _you_ without it. Not the real you. You understand?” I nod. I think I finally do. “Good.”

“There’s something else I want to talk to you about.” 

“Okay.” It comes out more like a question. She moves over from her chair to sit beside me, and she puts her hand on my shoulder. 

“Are you and Will, like...a thing?” I need to clear the air a little, and it’s painfully obvious they’ve got something going on. She exhales. 

“I guess we’re both revealing our secrets, huh?” She smiles. “Yeah. We’ve been seeing each other.”

“You sound like an old lady when you say that. Come on. Give me the details.”

“What, are you going to be my wingman or something?”

“Only if you’ll be mine.” She laughs and wraps her arms around my neck. 

“Of course I will.” We sit there for a second, giggling, before she gaps suddenly and pulls away from me. “WAIT.” I’m looking at her like she’s crazy, and that’s because I’m worried she might be. “ _Grizz Visser,_ I swear to God! You like someone, don’t you? Who is it?” 

“What? I didn't say anything about--” 

“ _You_ said you needed a wingman.”

“I was just saying that I’ll back you up if you back _me_ up!”

“Exactly! Back you up for what?!” She’s hysterical. She puts her hands back on my knees again. “Come on, tell me who it is.”

“I already revealed one secret today, isn’t that enough?” 

“Grizz. You’re _killing_ me with the suspense.”

“Only if you promise you won’t freak out.”

“So I’m _right!_ ” 

“Whatever. Just promise.”

“I promise.” She crosses her heart with her finger and sits on the floor. She’s fidgeting like a child who has to sit still in kindergarten. “Come on, come on!” 

“Okay.” I take a deep breath. It’s now or never, right? Rip off the band-aid. If I want to be with him, I need to be open. I need to be free. I need to be the real Grizz, and this is where it starts. “It’s Sam.” She sits there, and I’m expecting she’s going to scream, but she doesn’t. She just sits, and it looks like she’s thinking hard, because I think the vein in her forehead is about to pop out. 

“Hello?” I ask. “Earth to Allie?”

“But…” She mutters. “But _Becca._ ” 

Shit. Shit, I forgot. 

“Right. Yeah. Look, you can’t tell anybody, okay? I--I’ve had a crush on Sam since, well, forever, and after Luke got engaged to Helena and he was talking about all that love crap, I realized I _wanted_ that. So I spent the whole day flirting with Sam and we...kissed.” She gasps. “And maybe...more than kissed.” She gasps even louder.

“Grizz _Visser!_ ”

I laugh. 

“I know. I’m basically irresistible.” My laugh softens into a small chuckle under my breath when I start recollecting all the bad memories. “I didn't find out about Becca and the baby until after Thanksgiving.”

“Grizz…” The memory makes me so sad, and mad, and confused, that it makes me almost tear up all over again. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. That was before us, right? It was months ago. I think I’m over it.” I mean...I’m not. Not entirely. I’m over it enough for it to not bother me all the time like it used to, but if I’m honest, it’s the main reason why I can’t go to sleep easily at night. “How did you know you were in love with Will?”

“I’m--I’m not--” she stops, and she thinks for a second. “I...I think it was when I realized I’d rather be with him than anyone else in the whole world. No offense.” I smile.

“None taken.”

“A lot of people say you know when you’d give your life up for someone, but there’s so many people I would give my life up for. I would have given my life up for my sister. Or my parents. Or you. I think it’s just knowing that you want to be with them all of the time. That even when they’re at their ugliest, you still want to be around them. That you want to stick through even through the bad times, and you feel like time almost stops when you’re around them. That’s how it feels when I’m with Will. It’s like time doesn’t even exist.” 

“Huh. Thanks, Allie.” 

“Did that help?”

“Definitely.” I go to stand up and she grabs my hand.

“So, are you in love?” She asks. 

“Yeah, I think so.” I don’t even have to think about it, really, not after the speech Allie just gave. I ticked off all of the boxes. If that’s what love feels like, I’m definitely feeling it. Her smile is so big, she could fit a banana in it sideways. 

“Go get him, tiger.” 

“Thanks, wingman.” 


	4. The "Worst Father in the World"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam thinks he's the worst father in the world...but surely that's an understatement. Grizz surprises Sam with a special date.

**_sam_ **

I’m officially the worst father in the world. 

Becca says I’m fine, and that I’m doing great, but there’s not the whole truth in that. I’m horrible at changing diapers--probably the worst--and I don’t really know how to calm a panicking baby. I can’t hear it, but I can feel it. I don’t know how to get her to stop crying, so I usually just hand her over to Becca, because she has some kind of motherly affect that’s almost _godly_ compared to me. She was glowing before, but now she’s even more bright. Motherhood is a positive look on her. I mean, besides the bags under her eyes and the vomit on her clothes, she could basically walk down the runway tomorrow. She’s a champ, and I just watch in awe and disappointment. 

I’m the worst father in the world, and that includes _my_ dad. That’s how bad I am. I wish Grizz was here to teach me a thing or two. He’s the closest thing to Becca that you can get. The way he held her--the way she looked at him--it was like a miracle of some kind. Then again, Grizz has that effect on people. He’s got a kind face, and a kind touch, and a smile that can light up the whole town, not just a room. I want him to touch me again, like he did before, like there wasn’t anything holding him back. Now, I can feel his hesitation, and it stinks. I wish I could relieve him of all the pain I know he’s been feeling, and I wish I could make everything better, but I can’t. I don’t know how to do this. I wish everything was back the way it was. No. That’s wrong of me. God, I’m a mess. Of course I don’t wish everything was back the way it was. 

I really _am_ the worst dad in the world. 

+

I’m sitting in the living room with Becca and Eden and playing scrabble (Becca’s winning, of course) when Becca looks away. 

“What is it?”

“It’s the doorbell.”

“I’ll get it. You stay there.” 

When I open the door, it’s Grizz. He’s got his hair pulled back, wearing a nice clean tux (well, as close as he can get to a tux) and holding flowers. 

“For the madam,” he says, bowing and holding the flowers out for me. 

“Are you talking about me?”

“Last time I checked, you’re not a ‘madam,’” He replies, laughing. “These are for Becca, since I’m stealing you.”

“You’re stealing me?”

“Yes. I’m kidnapping you, if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind,” I say, chuckling. 

“Awesome. Do you mind if I steal your baby for a second, though? I promise I’ll return her.” He crosses his fingers. I smile and grab the flowers out of his hands. 

“Sure. I’ll give these to Becca.” I turn around as he pushes past me, on the hunt for my newborn daughter. “Grizz is here!” I yell out to the remaining party. I follow him into the living room, and he already has Eden in his arms, tossing her lightly into the air. He’s laughing, and she’s laughing with him. 

“Are those for me?” Becca asks and signs after noticing the flowers in my arms. I hand them over to her.

“They’re my treat,” Grizz says. “Since I’m stealing this one’s papa for the night.” He turns his head to Eden and boops her nose with his finger. 

“Oh, _are_ you?” She says mischievously. She looks over at me and raises her eyebrows. I roll my eyes. 

“Sorry to interrupt your game,” he says, motioning toward the Scrabble board. “We have much more pressing matters to attend to, don’t we Sammy boy?” He’s never called me that before. I nod, and he smiles even wider. “Sorry, pal,” he whispers to Eden. “Gotta go.” He hands Eden over to Becca and turns to me. 

“Please do,” Becca says. “And can you teach him how to change a diaper while you’re out?” 

“Oh, _please_ . I’m a pro.” He winks at me and I almost expect him to hold out his hand to lead me out of the house, but he doesn’t. I realize that we are the only ones who know about _us._ “Alright. Let the kidnapping commence.” 

He then proceeds to throw me over his shoulder and carry me out the door.

+

He puts me down after we get out of the house, and he fixes his tux and lets his hair down (I guess he put it back so Eden wouldn’t grab it). His smile hasn’t gone away since we left the house, and I like seeing it in its full glory like this. I’ve spent too long replaying our argument from before, and his teary eyes and frown are on constant repeat. I have to wash it out with this memory, with this smile, with this Grizz. The one who loves...no, _cares about_ me. I want him to offer his hand, but we’re in public, and not far enough away from the house. I knew Becca was probably peering out the window, waiting for him to make some kind of move...but he doesn’t. 

“So, where are we going?” I ask. 

“On a date.” Our second date. He seems to know where we’re going, but he refuses to tell me. A lot of our classmates are at the church for movie night, so the town is mostly empty. I take my hand out of my pocket and slide my fingers through his before squeezing it tight. He looks down at it, then up at me, and smiles. I think he likes that I’m being affectionate out in the open, even though anyone could come out and spot us at any time. I thought _he_ was the one that wanted to stay a secret, but I think it’s different now. I don’t know if he’s come out to anybody, or if he did, to who, but I don’t care. I’ll let him do it on his own terms. I haven’t even told Becca yet. I know I should probably do that soon, but it still kind of makes me sick to my stomach. 

“Where are we _going_ ?” I ask again. “The church is _that_ way.”

“We are not going to go watch _Love, Actually._ That’s the dumbest Christmas movie in the book. I would never insult you like that.”

“It’s a _romantic_ movie.” I don’t want to see _Love, Actually_. It was Kelly’s idea to start watching Christmas movies, so it was the first one on the list. I have to admit I’m relieved that this wasn’t his plan all along. Besides, I want him all to myself, and to be all alone, not surrounded by people. 

“It’s a shit excuse for romance. I’ve got a better plan, you wait and see.” He squeezes my hand and pulls me closer. “You wait and see, Sam Eliot. I’m gonna knock your socks off. Then you’ll never be able to watch _Love, Actually_ ever again without knowing how inferior it is.” 

I already believe it. 

+

We’re at the gate to our high school, and it’s almost kind of eerie. I haven’t come back here since we got stuck. No one has. I don’t think that’s the first place people think to go to when they don’t have to go to school anymore. I look at him, and he’s smiling like a goof. 

“Oh, so your idea of romancing me is to take me to _school?_ ” I tease. “Not your best idea.” 

“What, you didn't like _school_ ?” I love when he’s sarcastic, and I feel my cheeks get all red. “Come on, Eliot. Don’t stop trusting me _now_ .” He’s holding his hand out for me to take, and I do. “Alright. Close your eyes.” He immediately realizes how dumb it is for me to lose _two_ of my senses, so he takes it back immediately. “Okay. Don’t close your eyes. Bad idea. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I have no idea where you’re going with this, anyway.” He squeezes my hand and leads me through the gate. We walk all the way up through the courtyard of our high school and look at all the benches we used to sit at after school let out, or the bike rack which used to be full of bikes and locks and now sits empty. It’s surreal. It’s weird to be here at night, too, which just layers on the creepiness. I think he notices I’m freaked out. He nudges the front door open, and he leads me inside the office where you’d go if you were late, or needed to see the nurse. He lets go of my hand and walks toward the desk. He leans over it and crosses his legs. 

“Oh, hey there, Mrs. Potter. Yes, I know I’m _ten_ hours late for school. YES, I know. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, I swear--you don’t need to call my parents.” I laugh, and walk toward him.

“God, she was horrible.” I say and sign. “She was never in a good mood.”

“And her hair!”

“Her hair was so tall, it could touch the ceiling when she stood up.”

“She looked like freaking Marge Simpson.” We laugh and reminisce. I used to work in the office sometimes, and Mrs. Potter hated my guts; she hated everyone’s guts, but I think she hated mine the most because she wouldn’t look at my face when she talked so I couldn’t hear her demands. I’m this close to thinking she might not have even known I’m deaf. Maybe she just thought I didn't care. I chuckle again, and Grizz wraps his arms around my waist. “Go find your locker. I’ll meet you there.”

“You know where my locker is?”

“Of course I do, stud.” He winks at me and goes into the nurse’s office with a shit-eating grin. 

I’m slightly nervous, but excited too as I walk toward my locker. It’s on the second floor, by Mr. Hammond’s room, who taught biology. He was one of my favorite teachers, and he was easy to talk to. I wonder what Mr. Hammond is doing now, in our universe. I find my locker, and I wonder if I still remember the combination. Maybe my muscles remember it. I hold the lock in my hand and I go through all of the possible combinations in my head. Was it 11-25-07? No. Wait, wasn’t it? No, it was 11-07-25. I turn the lock right...11. And then left…07. And then right again...25, and the lock opens. I forget what decorations I had in here. I open the locker door, and I find pictures of Becca and I over the years. There’s one from second grade, or when we went to the eighth grade Valentine’s Dance as each other’s date, or when we went to that Mexican restaurant for her sixteenth birthday and she got a pie to the face. I feel the layer of dust that’s covering all of my textbooks, and then find a crumpled up note on top of all of them. It didn't have any dust on it besides the dust coming off my textbooks on the bottom. I take it out and unfold it to see a secret message: _just go with it._

Suddenly, Grizz’s arm is smacking the locker beside mine. I look over to him, and he’s wearing his letterman jacket and has his hair tied back again in his signature bun. 

"Hey. You’re Sam Eliot, right?”

“Uh...yeah.” I wonder how long he’s planned this. “And you’re Grizz.” 

“Grizz Visser, at your service.” He grins and bows. “I was just going to head out of town tonight for a football game, but seeing as though the exit out of town seems to be covered in trees, I don’t think we’ll make it, so…” he leans closer to me, and I can feel his breath on my face. “Would you like to go on a date with me? I’ve been eyeing you forever, but haven’t had the courage to ask.” 

“Depends.” 

“On what?” We haven’t flirted this explicitly since the night we kissed. 

“If I get a kiss at the end of the night.” I’ve never done this before. Asking for affection. But his face is so close and I can’t wait any longer. I’ve been waiting for him to open up, and this is the moment. He’s like the old Grizz; the Grizz before I broke his heart. 

“You want a kiss?” He teases. “I’ll give you a kiss.” He finally closes the gap between us and kisses me, hard, and pushes me against the locker. He hasn’t kissed me before; I always initiate it. I think it was because before he wasn’t sure if he was allowed or something. I think I like being kissed by him more. He’s so passionate in everything he does and kissing is no exception. His hands go down to my waist and I think he’s about to turn me around and do it right here against my locker but he doesn’t. He pulls away but his face is still right in front of mine, taking a minute to catch his breath. “I regret...I regret not doing that before. Before we got stuck here.” 

“Grizz.”

“I would have dated the hell out of you if I wasn’t an idiot.” 

“You can date the hell out of me _now_. We’ve got time.”

"But there was so much time we _could have_ had!” He’s genuinely upset, and his voice is cracking like he’s back in middle school. I’m afraid he’s going to cry. 

“Don’t worry about the past. There’s nothing you can do to change it. Just think about this moment. Us. This, right now.” He softens up. “We were all idiots before. We thought we had the world at our feet and all the time in the world. Now we just have this. But I don’t regret it, Grizz, because now I have you. The _real_ you.” He kisses me again, and I can feel tears against my cheek from his. I put my hand against the back of his neck and pull him tighter. He pulls away quickly. 

“Shit, I forgot!” He stumbles down the hall and looks back at me. “I had dinner laid out in the cafeteria! Damn, it’s probably cold. Can you eat cold pasta? Are you hungry?”

“Starving,” I reply. 

Let’s just say pasta isn’t the only thing I’m hungry for. 


	5. Cold Ass Disgusting Spaghetti

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The date is going exactly as planned...until it doesn't. Sam is the most adorable man in the world, but he has to eat cold spaghetti? It's Grizz's worst nightmare.

**_grizz_ **

I planned this dinner out  _ literally  _ yesterday. I wasn’t planning to get so caught up in it, but it was so freaky being able to recreate all of the memories I wish I had. I  _ wish  _ I had asked Sam out in high school. I  _ wish  _ I wasn’t so afraid of putting myself out there, or being authentic. Sam was always  _ himself.  _ No one sees him as  _ the deaf kid,  _ or  _ the gay kid.  _ He’s just Sam. I don’t know. Sometimes I think that if I actually  _ did  _ come out, everything I ever have been will be overshadowed by the fact that I like men. I guess I’m still afraid of that. The Guard has always been there for me, and yeah, I know I wasn’t going to stick around, and I wasn’t going to keep in touch, but now that we’re stuck here...I don’t want them to turn against me. I don’t want them to disregard me. A part of me believes that they won’t care, and that it won’t change anything, but that part isn’t as strong as I wish it was.

The cafeteria is a lot smaller when it’s not filled with people. The whole school feels different when it’s completely empty except for us. I had a candlelight dinner spread out on the big, round tables with the little stools attached to the bottoms that are really hard to get your whole butt on, and I have two plates of spaghetti that I made by myself and not from my mom. I really tried to make it tasty, mainly because I thought Sam would be eating it when it’s still hot and not as cold as ice. He tried to act excited, but I can see in his eyes that he’s trying to be polite. He takes a fork I left by his plate and tries to twist the noodles around it, but it’s so cold that it’s barely flexible. 

God, he’s adorable. I’m so unbelievably attracted to this man that I don’t think I can physically handle it. 

He’s literally slurping up a noodle and the sauce  _ stays  _ on it. It’s not spraying anywhere. How does a man eat cold ass disgusting spaghetti with perfect elegance? How does anyone  _ do _ that? Is it just a Sam Eliot thing? Maybe that’s because it’s cold, but _ I  _ already have  _ two _ sauce spots on one of my dad’s tuxes. 

“Wow, this is really good,” he mumbles. His face is scrunched up, like he ate something really sour. He’s still trying to manage a smile. 

“You don’t have to lie to make me feel better. It’s horrible and cold.” 

“It’s not  _ horrible. _ ” He’s totally lying to make me feel better. Of course he _ still _ looks beautiful when he’s lying. He takes another forkful of spaghetti, but I stop him before it reaches his mouth. 

“Please. I can’t watch this anymore. I’m not going to force you to eat disgusting noodles.” He rolls his eyes and groans, but I then remember that I brought dessert. “Do you like cake? I have cake.” 

“Cake is good.” 

“You’re not lying?”

“I’m not lying. It’s very hard to dislike cake.”

I smile and grab the cake from the kitchen. 

“I know they’ve been cracking down on sharing food made at home, but I think you can trust I didn’t poison it.” I sit down and grab the cake cutter. “The only danger is making you eat disgusting noodles.” He chuckles as I cut a perfect slice of cake (for the perfect man) and put it on his paper plate. “It’s chocolate, of course. You like chocolate?” He’s already shoving it in his face. 

“Who doesn’t like chocolate?” He’s right. 

He even looks perfect eating chocolate cake. There’s no crumb to be seen. He catches me staring and stops. 

“What, do I look weird?” He asks.

“No. No, you don’t look weird.” God, I’m dumb. I can feel my face flush and he takes another bite of his cake. “Hey, so...I’m sorry I got so emotional earlier.”

“You don’t have to apologize.” 

“I just have a lot on my mind. I’ve been thinking a lot about us, actually.” His fork drops. “I’ve had a lot of time to think, and…” I stand up. “I want this, Sam. I want us. I want to make up for all the lost time. When I’m scared and unsure, you make everything  _ clear. _ I was afraid to want you before because of Becca and Eden, and I thought I was being selfish to say that I do, but I  _ do,  _ and I’m done lying to myself about it. If having you for myself means I’m selfish, then so be it.” He stands up and grabs my hands, and he’s pulling me closer. 

“You’re not selfish, Grizz. I want this, too.” I feel like I could cry, but I don’t. I can’t, not when he’s staring at me with those  _ eyes.  _ He kisses me softly, and I decide this is it. This is the moment. 

“I...I have something else I want to tell you.”

“Go ahead.” 

I pause, and I look deep into those baby blues that suck me in just like an ocean tide, and I exhale, letting out all of the breath I was holding in. I hold him tight and wrap my arms around his waist. 

“I...I think I’m--”

I’m interrupted by a strong vibration in Sam’s pocket. It’s a string of texts. _ Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz _ . I pull away and let him pull his phone out.

“I’m sorry.” He looks at it, and I can see Becca’s name on the screen. “She wouldn’t interrupt us like this. Something must be wrong.”

What does that mean? ‘She wouldn’t interrupt us.’ Does she _ know _ ? 

“Go ahead. Seriously.” He opens up the phone and looks at his messages. He’s shaking, just a little bit. I squeeze his shoulder. I turn him around, and his face is pale. “You okay?”

“It’s Eden. She has a fever. Becca took her to the hospital.” 

“Shit.” I look over at the mess of spaghetti and cake and candles that are already burning down to the ends. “I’ll clean up. You go ahead.” 

“Grizz...I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. They need you. I’ll catch up.”

“What were you going to say earlier?”

“I’ll save it for a better time. You go ahead.” He leans up to kiss me, and I hold him close to me, like I’m trying to get as much affection as I can before he’s gone. “I’ll see you in a bit.” It almost flies out of my mouth:  _ I love you.  _ He turns around to leave and I decide to see what it feels like. “I love you,” I say when his back is turned. I wished right then he could hear me, and he would turn around and say it back, and stay with me all night like I had planned. 

Maybe it’s better if I don’t _ plan _ anything and just let things happen. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so disappointed. 


	6. How Do You Say "Kiss Me"?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to not worry when you're in the hospital, but maybe when you're with someone you love...wait, love? Maybe...Sam and Grizz finally communicate all of their feelings.

**_sam_ **

I wish I could have stayed. 

I wish I could _stop_ disappointing him. 

I wish I wouldn’t have to see his face droop when he’s disappointed, or when his eyes water when he’s about to cry. I _hate_ being the one to make him cry. Why did I have to fall in love _right_ when it gets complicated? I always thought being in love would be easy. I mean, the _falling_ part was easy. It’s the staying together part that’s difficult. He’s trying to pretend he’s okay with this, and he’s not. He shouldn’t have to be. He’s 17. _I’m_ 17\. I need to figure out what I’m feeling right now. I need everything to make sense. Okay? Okay. 

Facts: I love Eden. I love Becca. I _love_ Grizz. 

I need _all_ of them. I’m not making any compromises. I refuse. Maybe that’s selfish, and maybe that’s just making everything worse, but maybe...just maybe…everything could work out. But...if I want everything to work out…I have to tell Becca, don’t I? 

_I have to tell Becca about Grizz._

+

It wasn’t until I got to the hospital that I realized how deeply worried I am. I don’t like the idea of Eden getting sick, _especially_ in New Ham, where we have two doctors who have only learned how to deliver a baby and nothing else. I know that babies can get a little sick and it’s not too life-threatening, but it would be different if we were at a hospital with experienced people and not two teenagers who have only been studying medicine for a few months. Becca’s already in there with Eden and Kelly, and I didn't want to be unnecessary clutter, so I decided to linger in the waiting room. 

Waiting rooms are colder when you’re anxious, and I’m at max anxiety. It would be so much easier if Grizz were here. He always knows how to make me feel better. He knows how to make _everyone_ feel better, and I don’t think he even really has to try that hard. I try to think about his smile, and it at least makes my leg stop bouncing. I’m trying to replay our date in our head; I refuse to let it dissolve like it never happened because of this. _I want this, Sam. I want us. I want to make up for all the lost time._ It’s a weird thought, the idea of Grizz having a crush on me. I imagine him taking peeks at me in the hallways and thinking about me, or when he’s laying in his bed staring up at the ceiling at night. It’s weird to think of someone liking me on its own, but I never in a million years thought it would be a member of the _Guard._ Now I imagine what it would be like if we were together back then...I’d go to the football games and wear West Ham maroon and gold and maybe paint Grizz’s number on my face and kiss him when he’s all sweaty and tired and spend the night at his house just laying in his bed talking. I’d wear his letterman at school and he’d ask me to the prom and he’d meet me at my locker and lean up against it and ask me if I wanted to join him for lunch. We’d skip class and make out in the bathroom and under the bleachers in the gym or on the football field after practice or anywhere we could find. 

It’s weird to mourn experiences you never got to have, but here I am. _I would have dated the hell out of you if I wasn’t an idiot._ It’s okay, Grizz. We were both idiots. 

A hand grabs my shoulder from the side, and I jump a little in my seat. I turn my head, and it’s Grizz. He looks tired; his eyes have bags under them and his hair is messy. He’s wearing a white tee and some shorts. Of _course_ he’s one of those guys who wear shorts in winter. 

“Hey. How’s Eden?”

“She’s okay, I think,” I say. “Kelly said she doesn’t think it’s very serious.” She said that, but her voice was too anxious and shaky for me to take seriously. I hope she knows what she’s doing.

“Oh. Good.” I hope he’s not disappointed that I left if it’s not ‘very serious.’ It _could’ve_ been serious. I think he knows that. He puts his hand on mine. “How are you?”

“I’m okay. I’m tired, mostly.” It’s been hours since I left the date. It’s early in the morning now, bordering on 2, and I haven’t slept in forever. Grizz doesn’t look like he’s slept, either. “Hey, I’m sorry I had to leave earlier.”

“No, it’s okay. You needed to be here.” He squeezes my hand, then yawns. “I tried to sleep, but I was too nervous. Then I thought about you, and I knew you were probably worried, too, so I headed over here. I didn't want you to be alone, if you were.” He smiles at me. “Good thing I came. You looked lonely. You definitely look tired, too.”

“Honestly, I would fall asleep in my chair right now if I could.” 

“Why don’t you?” He asks softly. “I’ll stay up.”

“You should sleep, too.” I reply, rubbing my thumb over his eyes. He chuckles softly. 

“Don’t worry about me. You need to catch some z’s. Go on.” He holds out his arm for me to lay against, and I do, because I needed something soft to lean against to contrast this uncomfortable ass chair. _Eden will be fine,_ he signs. _I’ll be right here._ For the first time all night, I actually felt calm. He’s right, isn’t he? My eyes start to droop, and I can feel my breathing steady as I feel the rhythm of Grizz’s heart against my ear. He holds me tighter, and his warmth is like a blanket surrounding me. 

I fall asleep before I can say good night. 

+

When I wake up, Grizz has fallen asleep in his own chair, too. He’s got his long legs somehow bundled up in a tight, uncomfortable ball. Through the windows, I can see the sun start to rise from over the horizon, and the sky is a nice shade of purples and pinks and dark blues. It’s morning. I rise up from my seat slowly, trying not to wake Grizz, and stretch out my legs and arms. I’ve always hated sleeping in chairs. Your body never feels quite right, and you always feel half asleep, never fully. Luckily, he just pulls his arm back into his tight ball and turns a little to the left before letting out a long exhale. I bet he’s probably snoring, but I can’t tell. He looks like a peaceful sleeper. I bet he’s one of those people that can sleep anywhere and never be uncomfortable. He’s balled up tight like a pretzel and yet his face doesn’t look disturbed. I wonder what he’s dreaming about. 

I walk down the hallway to the room where Becca and Kelly were before, and I see Becca. 

It’s a quaint little room, but Kelly’s not in there. It’s just Becca, laying down on one of those examining beds that I’ve spent my whole life sitting on. She’s got a blanket on, and it’s obvious she’s been sleeping here. She’s like Grizz, curled up in a ball and laying on her side, but I can see her eyes are open. I knock on the door, and she looks up at me and smiles. 

“Hey,” I say as I open the door. 

“Hi,” she responds with a smile. “I’m sorry, I should have come back and gotten you.”

“Where’s Eden? Is she with Kelly?” I ask, taking a seat in one of the stiff chairs. 

“Yes. I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open as she was talking. Eden’s fine, by the way. Kelly did basically everything possible--taking off her clothes, giving her a cold bath, leaving a fan on, giving her something to drink--everything, and it worked. Her fever went away after an hour or so. I was just so tired, and I was nervous about the fever coming back, so she told me to go ahead and go to sleep and she and Gordie would watch Eden and see if anything changed. She just came in a few minutes ago--god, she looked exhausted--and she told me that Eden was fine the whole night.” I sigh out of relief. 

“Thank God.”

“I should’ve gotten you--I’m sorry, I was just so tired. I fell asleep as soon as I put my head down, I swear.” 

“It’s okay. Grizz kept me company.” She gives me one of _those_ smiles, and her eyebrows go back up into those arches, like she’s questioning me. 

“He did, huh?”

I guess this is a good time to just say it. It’s better than never, right? We’re both exhausted, and we have a baby to go get and take home, but I might as well just say it and get it over with. 

“Yeah. He did.” My hands are sweaty and a little bit itchy, too. “You know when you said that I have a crush on Grizz?” 

“Yeah,” she said. “Because you _do._ ”

“Yeah,” I admit. “I do.” She squeals a little bit. “But, uh...we got together before Thanksgiving.” She does not squeal. She sits there, and her mouth is open like _oh._ Her eyebrows are not arched, and she doesn’t say anything. “When we were at the hospital the next day...that’s when he found out about us. I didn't tell him that I’m not the father or anything. I wouldn’t do that. He was upset at first, but I think he’s okay now. I think _we’re_ okay now. I knew I should have told you before, but I couldn’t find the right time.”

“You mean, you and Grizz are already a couple?” I nod. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“You remember our talk, before, right? When I said that there’s nobody here I’d be happy with? That there’s nobody here who could love me and that I could love back? Well, I didn't want you to think that now that I’ve found someone, that I’d want out.”

“I’d never think that.” She leans forward and grabs my hand. “You’ve always supported me, Sam.” She looks into my eyes. “I’d never for one second think you’d want out.” She sighs. “Do you love him?” I nod again.

“I do.” 

“Then he’s family, too.” I smile so big, my cheeks start to hurt. I wrap my arms around her and squeeze her so tight I think she might explode. She rubs my back, and I pull away to see she has tears in her eyes. “I’m happy for you, Sam,” she whispers. “And Eden’s a lucky girl. She has _three_ parents.” 

“Well, she’s also got a whole town that loves her.” Becca smiles at me. 

“That’s true. ‘It takes a village,’ you know.” We smile and she wipes away her tears. “I’ll go get her and take her home.” 

“You’re exhausted. I’ll come with.”

“No, no, no.” She responds. “You’ve got a Grizz to say goodbye to. I’ll see you at home, okay?” She gives me a kiss on the cheek, and leaves. For a second, I just sit and absorb what just happened. _Then he’s family, too._ I’ve got a big giddy smile on my face, and it won’t go away. _He’s family, too._ It’s nice to not have to worry anymore. I can kiss him when I want. I can be with him when I want. I don’t have to be anxious or ashamed. 

It’s like I can’t run to him fast enough. 

When I get to the waiting room, he’s already awake. He’s sitting with his leg bouncing and his head resting on his index finger. When he sees me, his head shots up, and it’s like he’s had a shot of espresso, he’s so awake. 

“I just saw Becca and Eden. She said they were heading home. I was just waiting for you.” I don’t respond. Instead, I push my lips against his and pull him against me. He’s caught off guard, and I love it. He’s hands finally meet the small of my back as he pulls me closer, and he’s kissing me hard. I let go, and we’re so out of breath it’s like we just ran a marathon. 

“I told Becca about us.”

“You did?”

“I did. It was about time, too.” I’m scared about what I’m about to say, but I know I have to tell him. “I love you, Grizz, and I’m tired of keeping secrets. I’m tired of keeping _us_ a secret.” 

“You love me?” He asks. I imagine his voice cracking as he said it. His face is so soft it’s almost like a baby, and his eyes are like glass. I nod. “I love you too,” he says back. His eyes meet mine, and then his lips, and I stand there on my tiptoes kissing the man I love. He’s a soft kisser, but he can be rough. I like the soft tenderness of everything he does. It’s very contradictory to how he looks. 

I love everything about Grizz Vizzer. His face, his kisses, his hair, his brain, his heart, all of it. And he loves me back. What are the chances? 

“You know, I never taught you how to say ‘kiss me,’” I tease. 

“Oh yeah,” he says. “We were too busy making out.” He laughs. 

“Here,” I say. “Watch.” I put all of my fingers together, touch my mouth, and then pull my hand back to my cheekbone. “That’s _kiss,_ ” I say and sign. “You do it back.” He extends his arm out, puts his fingers together, and then repeats the sign. _Kiss._ I smile and kiss him on the cheek. 

“There you go.” 

“I hope you know I’m going to wear that one out real quick.” 

“I hope you do.” He holds out his hand and I grab it. 

“Let’s go, shall we?” 

“Let’s.”


	7. Alphabet Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grizz is sick, like really sick, and Sam comes to the rescue, to Grizz's dismay. He hates being sick in front of him. But hey, at least he got some alphabet soup?

**_grizz_ **

_two weeks later_

Yeah, I’d say being in love looks pretty good on me. 

Man, if I had known how nice being out to everybody was, I would have done it a lot sooner. It’s like I’m living a completely different life. I mean, Sam always told me that nobody would care that much if I was gay or not, as long as I was still me, but I guess I never really believed him until now. Now, I get to walk around town holding my boyfriend’s hand and nobody gives a shit. Nobody says homophobic shit or tries to beat me up or says that they don’t like me now. It’s a wonderful existence, I must admit. I wonder if I look different on the outside, because I definitely feel different on the inside. It’s like I’m feeling a constant warmth, like a candle that never burns out. I think Sam looks different. His cheeks have a sort of glow to them now. Finally having no more secrets feels like I’m a hundred pounds lighter. I’ve got nothing holding me back now. 

“Anybody home?” 

Okay, maybe one thing. Basically, I’ve been sitting on my couch all day because I’m sick as fuck. Not in a good way, either. Like vomiting all morning kind of sick. I just kind of woke up and felt like I was a literal sack of garbage, and I’ve been feeling more like trash the more the day goes on, and now I’m laying in a ball on the couch and clutching a trash can to vomit in. If that isn’t just the best way to spend your day, I don’t know what is. To make matters worse, Sam keeps forcing himself to help me, and it’s really bringing me down. I don’t know if you’ve ever had someone watch you fucking vomit all day besides your mom, but it’s weird and gross. It feels like a really intimate thing, and I know it’s weird for me to say that since I’ve been literally having sex with Sam and that’s the most intimate thing you can do with anybody, but I’m uncomfortable _vomiting_ in front of him. I just hate looking and feeling miserable when I could be doing _literally_ anything else. 

Oh, and he holds my hair back when I vomit, which is like the worst thing in the world. Not only does he have to watch me do it, he has to feel me _physically_ vomit. I hate it. I wouldn’t blame him if he decided to stay with his child and best friend instead of watching me be sick all day but he refuses to leave. Now he’s back, standing in the doorway, and holding a bowl of what I’m _certain_ is chicken noodle soup. Jesus. 

“Hi,” I mumble. 

“Feeling any better?” He asks as he takes a seat on the couch. He lays the bowl down on the ottoman and I notice there are _letters_ floating around in the soup. Fuck, it’s _alphabet_ soup. Can he be any more like a dad? 

“Not really, no. Worse, actually.” I take the soup and sign _thanks._ He smiles and pulls a spoon out of his pocket. It’s nice to sign to him. I want things to be easier. I mean, I know reading lips is somewhat easy for him, but I think it would be better to just speak _his_ language. You know? It’s a better means of communication. I think he prefers it, anyway. 

“Do you have a fever?” He asks. 

“Dunno. I haven’t really checked.” I take a large, warm gulp of soup. It’s nice. 

He puts the back of his hand against my forehead like he’s my mom and feels for a few seconds. 

“You’re hot,” he says. 

“Naturally.” I smile and wink at him, and he’s chuckling, just a little, but not really. He’s serious. I can see in those baby blues of his that he’s worried about me, which is making me feel even more like garbage. I sigh and look down at my letters. I can spell out SAM. I can spell out EDEN. I spell out SEMEN, just for fun, and I can feel him glare at me. 

“Maybe you should go see Kelly.”

“It’s just a cold, or the flu, or some shit. It’s winter. Christmas is like a week away. It’s freezing cold outside and people don’t know how to not sneeze in their hands. It’s basically the plague. Speaking of which, you should probably get out while you still can.” And I swear I didn't plan this, but almost on queue, I vomit heavily into my trash can. I can feel the soup, which is still warm. Fuck, that’s nasty. Sam starts to rub my back with his hand as I gracefully spit the remaining vomit residue into my bucket. I’m one classy as hell boyfriend. 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Shouldn’t you be going Christmas shopping for Eden with Becca? Or wrapping gifts? Or literally anything else?” 

“I’d rather spend it making sure you’re okay.”

“You’re so sweet, you’re going to make me vomit again, Jesus.” I don’t like looking at the soup anymore. SEMEN is staring back at me and I can still feel the taste of soup in my vomit and I don’t like it. I push it away.

“You don’t want any more soup?”

“Not hungry anymore.” It’s kind of true, though. I haven’t been hungry in hours. This might be TMI, but I haven’t taken a shit in like three days. Is that bad? I think that might be bad. 

“Do you want to lie down, or something?” He asks, his dad voice still activated. 

“No, _mom,_ ” I reply. “Can we watch something?” 

If I could, I’d watch Seinfeld, because it never fails to cheer me up, but the television doesn’t have cable anymore since we got stuck. We can only watch DVDs. I let him pick, because he’s being nice enough to take care of me, and he chooses Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, which is probably one of the most used DVDs I own. He smiles at me and sits beside me, too close if you ask me, considering I just vomited not even five minutes ago, but he doesn’t seem to mind it. I turn on the subtitles, and I swear it’s a good thing he can’t hear me try to recite every line of this movie I’ve seen a thousand times. There’s one I always get right, though: _Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it._ If that ain’t the truth. 

I look over at Sam, and I want so bad to just cuddle him, and hold him real close, and tomorrow when I feel better, I will. Still, just watching him watch my favorite movie and seeing him laugh at the jokes and light up at the film _genius_ that is John Hughes, it makes my heart swell. I love this moment, this exact moment, even if I feel like a turd floating in a toilet bowl. I want to kiss his slightly parted mouth, but I don't. I want to tell him to get his clothes off and meet me in the bedroom, but I don’t. There’s so many things I want to do right now, but I don’t. 

For instance, I want to stay awake and finish the movie, to hear Ferris say his classic line just one more time, but I don’t. 

+

I have a dream about Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, but _I’m_ Sloane. Like, not that I’m Grizz in Sloane’s body. No, I’m just Ferris Bueller’s fucking _boyfriend._ I mean, really, we all know that Ferris and Cameron have a little something there, but I’ll take what I can get. It’s a nice dream. It really does feel real. 

Then it stops, really abruptly, as soon as I go in for the final kiss, before Ferris runs off. I don’t even get to say Sloane’s line. 

+

I tell you what, I wish I was back in that dream, because _fuck,_ do I feel a million times worse. I don’t feel like vomiting, but there’s this pain, this really really bad pain in my side, above my hip bone, like someone is lightly stabbing me. Fuck, man, it hurts. 

I’m still on the couch. I know Sam had to be the one who laid me down and put a blanket on me all snug and tight. I imagine him finishing the movie and he looks over at me and I’m _out,_ and he just smiles gently and grabs the blanket off the other side of the couch, puts my legs up on the couch where he was sitting, and covers me in the blanket, even making sure to tuck me into it so it doesn’t fall off. Maybe he even gives me a kiss on the forehead. Even the soup is gone. He must have cleaned up. What a man I’ve got. 

I think I should call Sam. Or Kelly. Or both.

I feel like I’m gonna fall over. I can barely even stand. I shuffle across the floor and try to reach my phone, but it’s all the way in the bathroom. Damn. When I finally reach the bathroom, I plop myself down on the toilet. I find Becca’s name in my contacts and started the call. _Please, please answer. Becca, please._

“Hello? Grizz?”

“ _Becca_ , hi.” 

“Grizz, you sound horrible.”

“Yeah, ha, I _feel_ horrible. Is, uh, Sam there?” I put my hand against my skin and try to massage it, but it does nothing. I think it’s making it worse. 

“Yeah, he’s with Eden in the kitchen.”

“I’m sorry to intrude, Becca, but, um...I think I’m dying. Okay, maybe not _dying_ , but I’m in like, a lot of pain right now. I think I need to go to the hospital.” 

There’s a silence for a second, then I can hear Becca shuffling. She must be going to find him. 

“Grizz?” Becca’s voice rings in my ear. 

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“He’s on his way. Hang tight.”

“Thank you, Becca. Give Eden a kiss for me.”

“I will.” 

We say our goodbyes and she hangs up. 

Okay, I really was joking, but maybe I _am_ dying? 

God, I hope Sam gets here soon.


	8. Bad with a Capital B

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grizz and Sam head to the hospital to see what's wrong with Grizz, and the results are far from cheery. Will this change their lives forever?

**_sam_**

Becca said it was urgent. That Grizz needed help. That he said he was _dying._ How seriously should I take that? Grizz makes all kinds of dark jokes, but I don’t know...He looked pretty bad this morning. _Is_ he joking? I can’t tell. 

Nevertheless, I’m sprinting to Grizz’s house as fast as I can--I should be on the track team, that’s how fast I’m running, and I’m not even out of breath--and as I stand outside in the freezing cold on Grizz’s doorstep, and I’m staring at my roughed up sneaks on the welcome mat, I can feel my hands shaking, and I don’t think it’s from the cold. My hand, just a few inches from the green paint of Grizz’s front door, is trembling as I knock. I put my hands in my pockets and tap my toes against the hard fibers of the mat and let my eyes look over every curve of the letters in _Welcome! Come on in!_ When I look up to knock on the door again, it’s open, and Grizz is standing in front of me with his hand clutching his side and worry in his eyes. 

“Hey,” his lips read. I give him a quick hug and pull back. 

"Hi. Are you okay? Becca said it was urgent."

"I don't know, but I'm in a lot of pain, I just need a ride to the hospital. He pauses and looks me in the eyes. “Do you know how to drive a stick?”

+

I always wondered why he never drove around. It’s because the car that’s supposed to be his is a stick-shift, and I guess his dad never bothered to teach him. Well, my dad taught both me and Campbell how to drive a stick because “every man who’s able to should know how to drive a stick, so help me God.” I didn't drive that much in West Ham; I prefered to walk or ride a bike, especially since everything’s all so close, but Grizz looks Bad with a capital B and I’m not walking him all the way to the hospital. His dad’s truck is sitting in his garage collecting dust, and I’m surprised that the engine even turns over when I start it. Grizz sits in the seat next to me, and he keeps shifting around uncomfortably and closing his eyes real tight. 

“Grizz…?”

“Huh?” 

“You’re starting to freak me out.”

He puts his hand on mine and squeezes, his eyes still bolted shut. 

“Don’t--” He flinches. “Don’t freak. Okay? I’m okay. Just drive, please.” This doesn’t reassure me. My hand is still shaking when I shift the gear into second. His hand is still on mine, and it’s sweaty as hell. I can tell it’ll probably slide off when I shift into the next gear. Suddenly, one of his fingers tap my hand as I take a turn. I look over at him but keep my eyes on the road. “Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you just talk to me? Just talk. I need something to keep my mind off it.”

It’s really hard to talk about something when your mind’s gone blank and you’re only focused on keeping your hands steady on the steering wheel and trying not to lose your mind. I hate looking at him like that. His face is all scrunched up and it looks like his forehead has beaded sweat. I’m starting to think he’s got his eyes closed so tight so I can’t see the complete fear and worry in his eyes, and I’m starting to believe that’s a good idea. 

“Uh...I really liked Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, you know. I liked watching it with you.”

“Even when I was asleep?” 

“You’re cute when you’re asleep. Your head kind of tilts back and your mouth just opens wide like this.” I mimic it for him and I think he chuckles. “You don’t snore, though. You just sit there with your mouth open.” I take another turn and shift gears. Almost to the hospital. “I watched you while we were watching the movie. It was cute to watch you try to say the lines at the same time. And yet--I think you still messed them up, even with the subtitles.”

“I used to watch that movie all the time with my dad.” He’s silent for a second.

“Do you miss him?” I ask. 

“I miss both of them, but yeah, I really miss my dad. He always knew how to make me laugh. I was always trying to impress him.” 

“That’s nice. My dad spent more time trying to protect me from Campbell than getting to know me.” Grizz grabs my hand again and squeezes it. My hands have stopped shaking. I pull into the hospital and pray to God that Kelly or Gordie are there. Or if Becca had called them. I’m not religious, but I do a little prayer just in case that my first real boyfriend is really just joking about dying. 

+

I don’t think he’s joking. 

I don’t know. He went in for a CT scan a while ago, even. During the check up, he told Kelly about how he was sick all morning and then woke up with this really sharp pain in his side like someone was sticking a needle in him. That he hadn’t done a number two in a few days and he feels tired all the time. He doesn’t make eye contact with me. I know he hates being sick in front of me. I think he hates the idea of someone taking care of him. 

I’m really sick of waiting, and I’m even more sick of hospitals.

I’m just sitting in one of the check-up rooms with Grizz, and he’s sitting with his foot tapping the ground and still clutching his side. I look over at him, and he looks over at me and gives me a tiny smile. I lay my hand on the arm of the chair and he hesitates before taking my hand and putting his fingers between mine. His thumb massages my knuckles before he presses my hand to his lips. 

“Hey,” he says. _I love you._

_I love you more._

_Not possible._

He’s been studying a lot lately.

 _You have no idea, then._ He smiles, and then his head turns to see Kelly walk through the door. She doesn’t look happy. Her eyes are red, even, like she’s been crying. She’s holding some kind of folder with papers, I’m assuming the results of the CT. I don’t even know how she figured out the CT machine, but I guess she’s just been studying a lot. Grizz isn’t looking at me anymore, but he’s holding onto my hand even tighter. 

“So, uh, I’ve got news.”

“Good or bad?”

She sits on the corner of one of the counters and shuffles through her papers before letting out a long sigh. 

“Kelly? Good or bad?”

“Not great,” she replies. 

“You’re freaking me out, Kelly, I just...can you just tell it to me straight?” 

Kelly is starting through me with her red, sore eyes, like she’s sorry for me, and then back at Grizz.

“It’s appendicitis, Grizz.” Her feet are shuffling. 

“ _Appendicitis_?” He apparently knows what that is. I do not. 

“Wait, what does that mean?” I interrupt. Grizz looks at me, and his eyes are tearing up. He covers up his eyes and I can feel him tremble. 

“It means his appendix is about to rupture,” Kelly starts.

“And I’ll need surgery to get it removed,” Grizz adds. 

“Or else it’ll rupture and get infected--”

“--and I’ll die.” 

“Wait, wait, wait, _surgery_?” I interject. “Can’t you use antibiotics or something? Isn’t there something else you can do?” Kelly shakes her head.

I sit with that for a second, and it’s like everything has frozen in place. Grizz’s face is some kind of mixture of anger and fear, with his face in a scowl but tears filling up in his eyes. Kelly’s scrunched up in an uncomfortable permanent worry. I don’t even know how to process that information. A week ago he was fine, and now he has to have surgery with inexperienced doctors or he’ll _die._

“Do you even know how to perform surgery? I mean, do you even know what you’re doing?” I can feel Grizz’s anger as he spits it at Kelly. “I mean--what are my chances?” She hesitates for a second, looks at both of us, and stops.

“I’ll be back to prepare you, okay? Gordie is already studying everything he can.” She turns away to leave quickly. I’m sure she’s crying as soon as she closes the door. Grizz is quiet as he stands by the door. My legs feel like jelly, but I stand up and wrap my arms around him as I feel him turn around and sob into my shoulder. His hands squeeze my upper back and his head goes deep into my shoulder. I can’t help but cry into his chest and let his hair fall in my eyes. He lets go and wipes away his tears quickly. 

“I don’t know when Kelly will be back, so we have to be quick. Can I see your phone?”

I nod and grab my phone out of my pocket. “I need you to record me, okay. Record me. Are you recording?” I nod again. “Okay. This is Gareth Visser, and, being of sound mind and body, I hereby am making my last will and testament, just in case I die in surgery. So, first...uh,” He pulls his hair tie out of his pony. “My hair tie belongs to Eden Gelb, the second love of my life, who will probably not remember me, but Eden--if you’re watching this, I love you, little dude. Please be nice to your mom and especially your dad for me, okay. Give him a kiss for me.” He smiles at me. “My house belongs to my best friend Allie, so she can give it to someone who needs it. She also gets all of my clothes, because I know she can do something awesome with it instead of letting it just sit...The Guard gets my letterman jacket and all of my books. Okay, now for the hard part.” He takes a deep breath, and I think he’s about to cry again. “Before I completely lose it. My car, which I don’t know how to drive, all of my money, my love, my heart, and all of my other belongings go to Sam Eliot, the love of my life and the witness to this will. I love you for the rest of forever, Sam Eliot, and if I survive this, you can even have my last name, too, if you want it. It’s yours. It’s all yours.” He sighs. “Mom and Dad, if you’re watching this...I love you and I’m sorry. This has been Gareth 'Grizz' Visser’s last will and testament. Over and out.”

+

Immediately after, Kelly came back and took Grizz, putting him on a gurney and having him change into a hospital gown. I follow him through the halls as Kelly and Gordie push him, and I swear Grizz doesn't let go of my hand for one second, and his chocolate eyes never break from mine. His hair tie has a temporary residence on my wrist, and it gives me at least some sort of comfort. Kelly and Gordie still look scared shitless, that's for sure, but they at least look like they have some idea what they were doing. I hope they know what they’re doing. 

“Here we go.” Kelly stops the gurney right before a pair of double doors separating us from the surgery room. “We have to give him anesthesia so he can be knocked out during the surgery, so if you have anything you want to say…” I couldn’t go back there, I guess, is what she was saying. That my possible last words to Grizz had to be here, right now, right in this hallway. 

“Wait, no,” Grizz mutters. He looks at me. “I want him to be the last thing I see.” 

Kelly sighs and looks at Gordie. Gordie shrugs. 

“Okay. Let’s go.”


	9. For the Rest of Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the surgery, and it's time for some final(?) words. What is Grizz Visser's destiny? How will it end?

**_grizz_ **

Nothing is more fucking scary than knowing you might be about to die. 

I used to have really bad insomnia when I was younger, thinking about death, and how my parents will eventually die, and my dog, and my friends, and that there might not be a heaven or hell but instead eternal darkness. I remember that I used to be sad thinking that when I’m older and dying that my parents won’t be there to comfort me, to hold me and tell me it’s alright, that I’m only going where others have gone, that I’m never going to feel anymore pain or suffering and that I won’t even exist anymore but inside people’s memories. I had to find comfort in the fact that I had a long time to go, a long life to live, that I better start living it. 

I had no fucking idea that my life might end this early. I haven’t even _lived_ yet. 

So there’s no way I’m going-- _no way_ I’m leaving here alone. 

Jeez, Ferris Bueller was right. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. 

+

Sam’s eyes are blue. Like, really blue. I know I say that a lot, but they are. 

I’ve been staring at them for the past five minutes straight, and I never get tired of them. His face is so goddamn perfect. It’ll be a goddamn tragedy if I never get to see them again. Gordie is getting the anesthesia ready, and I’m laying on the surgery table that I’ll probably die on staring up into Sam’s eyes. I hope there's heaven. I mean, I don’t think there will be, but I hope there is. At least for Sam. I don’t like the idea of Sam not existing anymore. I haven’t stopped crying, I just stopped sobbing. I can still feel the tears trickling down my cheeks and wetting the collar of my hospital gown. 

Kelly’s waiting for me to say my last words. Damn, I had never prepared this before. I never really gave it much thought. 

“Hey,” I say to Sam. I sign _kiss me._ And he does. That kiss is probably as close as I’ll get to heaven, but it’s worth it. “Have you seen _The Princess Bride?_ ” I ask. He nods. “ _Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while._ ” He laughs. 

“ _I will never doubt again_ ,” he recites. I smile and laugh. I never thought I’d laugh before I die, but here we are. “Grizz, I have to tell you something.” He looks at me very sternly and seriously, and it’s really starting to hit me. He leans in real close. “I’m not Eden’s biological father.” 

Wait, what?

“Wait, what?”

“I don’t know who Eden’s real father is.” I don’t really know what the real response is. Does he want me to smile? To rejoice? That my boyfriend wasn’t really having sex with his best friend despite being a homosexual? That the baby I’ve fallen in love with isn’t really technically his?

“You might not be his father, Sam, but you’re her _dad._ ” He smiles at me and kisses me again, hard. 

“If you die in there, I’ll kill you,” he whispers. 

“If I die in there, I’ll kill myself for you.” I kiss him again. _I love you, Sam Eliot._

_I love you too, Grizz. For the rest of forever._

For the rest of forever. 

“Alright, Grizz. Are you ready?” Gordie says. 

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” 

He puts the mask over my mouth and Sam lets out a little choked sob. I keep staring at him, making sure I don’t look away, not even for one second, and I hear Gordie’s voice behind my head. 

“Okay, Grizz, I need you to count down from ten, please.” 

“Okay. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six--”

Just like that, I’m out. 


	10. Was I a Fool to Think We'd Have Forever?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Grizz in surgery and his life on the line, Sam grapples with his fear and anxiety in the waiting room, but luckily he's accompanied by a friend to help share his pain...

**_sam_ **

The waiting room feels like some kind of hellscape. It’s freezing in here, just like it is outside, and I can feel the goosebumps against the fabric of my shirt. I squeeze my arms against my chest as tight as I can to keep warm, and I can feel my heart going  _ thump thump thump thump thump  _ like a drum, so fast I’m afraid it’ll skip a beat, so fast that I’m afraid it’ll shoot out of my chest and onto the floor and it would still keep beating,  _ thump thump thump thump thump  _ until it just stops. The hospital is empty, but I can feel this tension--like the universe knows something is up. My body is here, in this chair, but my head, my mind, my soul--it’s still lingering up there in the room with Grizz, and I’m trying desperately to reel it back, to think about literally anything else besides the possibility of Kelly’s hands shaking as she holds the scalpel above Grizz’s skin, or Gordie telling her directions and them arguing like they’re putting together furniture from IKEA and not performing life saving surgery. I try not to think about it, but it’s impossible not to. It’s impossible not to think about what all could go wrong, and what all there is to lose. I lost Grizz once already, and I thought once I got him back, I’d have him forever, or at least, until he got tired of me. Now, I’m afraid I’ll lose him again. This time, for good. No take backs. No apologies. No second--or third--chances. That’s it. 

It’s like all of our hearts are connected to this hospital, all beating at once, at the same time, the same rhythm, the same  _ thump thump thump thump thump _ . We’re all connected. 

I’m so anxious that I  _ wish  _ I could just fall asleep, like when you’re going on vacation and you’re just so excited to get there you just decide to fall asleep for the rest of the ride so you can just wake up and be there. I just want to wake up and have them tell me instead of just sitting here in anticipation all day, scaring myself shitless and falling into a never ending spiral of panic. But I’d also rather linger in a world where Grizz Visser, the one and only, is still alive, even if it’s only for a few more hours. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the door open. It’s Allie, and her face is scared and scrunched up like it was when she heard her sister was shot. 

“Sam?” 

I stand up, and it’s taking all of my strength not to fall apart. She was close with him, too. She knows what I’m feeling right now. She’s had to feel it way too much. 

“He—He’s in there—”

She grabs me and holds me tight. Her face presses into my shoulder and I can feel her crying softly. I was trying not to cry—I was trying to hold it in but the images kept coming, of him in there, of him dead, of him throwing up, of him in pain, they just kept coming, and now I can’t hold it back anymore. I start sobbing into her, and she’s patting my back and holding me like I’m a kid. I feel like a kid. 

She pulls back, and I’m staring her right in her teary red eyes. 

“I’m so sorry, Sam. I mean it.” I nod, and she starts wiping away my stream of tears. “I trust Kelly and Gordie. If anyone can do it, it’s them. You saw how quickly they learned how to deliver a baby--”

“This is different, Allie--they’re cutting  _ into  _ him.”

“I know, Sam, I  _ know,  _ but Kelly and Gordie--they’re smart. They can figure it out, I’m sure they can.”

“What if they don’t? What if he’s—”

“No. Sam, don’t think like that. It’s not good.”

“I’m scared, Allie. I’m so fucking scared.” She takes me in her arms again and puts her hand on the back of my neck. My arms go around her back and I hug her tightly. 

“Sam. If anything goes wrong—I’ll be here for you. We’ll all be here for you, Sam. I promise. We’re gonna stick together, no matter what. Okay?” I nod, and try to hold my tears back. “He needs us to be strong.”

“I know.” She pats my arm, and I take a seat. My leg is bouncing slightly, and my hands are shaking. I never thought I would have to start mourning someone I loved so early. That’s how it is, though, isn’t it? Pain is guaranteed in love; it comes with it, like a package deal. You can’t love someone without knowing you’ll lose them. They either leave you, or they die. Simple as that. I just figured...you know, that we’d have more time than this.

“He’s the first person I’ve ever loved...You know, like that.” 

“I know. He really loves you, you know? He never stops talking about you. You’re like his favorite person.” 

“And he’s mine.” Was I naive to think we’d have the rest of our lives? She takes a seat next to me and snuggles up beside me, keeping her hand on mine and squeezing it. Nothing in New Ham is certain. Someone I knew, someone I went to school with for years killed my cousin, one of my closest friends. Just shot her in cold blood, right in front of her. Was I naive for thinking we’d have forever?

“I’m going to be right here. I’m not going to leave you. Okay?” 

“Okay.” 

“Do you want me to call Becca?” 

“I don’t want her to worry.” I don’t. If she told her, she’d immediately come over, along with Eden, and sit here in these uncomfortable chairs and watch me cry for hours. 

“Okay.” She pauses. “Do you want to sleep? You look tired.”

“No, I...I don’t want to.” 

“I’ll be right here. I’ll wake you if they come.”

“I don’t know if I  _ can _ .”

“Sam, you can’t control any of this. It won’t change anything if you sleep.” 

“It’s hard to, when all I can think about is him...in there.”

“At least try.” 

I smile, trying to say I appreciate the thought, but I think she knows how I feel.

“Well,” she says. “Can’t say I didn’t try.” She smiles and squeezes my hand again. “You’re sure you don’t want me to call her?”

“She’ll just freak out. I don’t want her to see me like this.” I use the palm of my hand to wipe away all of the tears leaving a streak on my face. “I just want to sit here and wait.” 

“Alright. If you say so.” She puts her head on my shoulder, and it feels nice being comforted. To feel hopeful. To feel warm, and nice, for just a second. I put my head on hers, and I stare at the double doors, waiting for someone to come out. I stare and stare until my eyes get droopy, until eventually--and surprisingly--I fall asleep.

+

_ Hey Sam? _

_ Yeah. _

_ Do you believe in marriage? _

_ What? _

_ You know. Marriage. Do you believe in it? _

_ Sure. My parents were happy enough. _

_ …. _

_ Why? _

_ Well. Do you think Helena and Luke are making a mistake? _

_ No. I don’t think so. _

_ Even though we might get back home?  _

_...But we might  _ not _ get back home, Grizz. _

_ Yeah, but. What if we get back and they’re not happy? _

_ Then they’ll get a divorce. _

_ But don’t you think they would have made a mistake, then? _

_ It wouldn’t be a mistake. Being in love isn’t a mistake. Even if it doesn’t last forever.  _

_ … _

_ I wouldn’t regret being with you, Grizz. Ever.  _

_ Really? _

_ Really. And love...it doesn’t just go away. It just...changes. You know, like energy.  _

_ I like that.  _

_ Me too.  _

_ Would you….ever….marry me one day? If we’re stuck here forever, I mean. _

_ … _

_ Forget I said anything— _

_ I’d marry you even if we weren’t stuck here forever.  _

_ You mean that?  _

_ I do. Why? _

_ No reason. Just curious.  _

_...Okay. Goodnight Grizz. _

_ Goodnight, Sam. _

+

I must have fallen asleep, because the sun has set, leaving only darkness, with the only light illuminating the room being the brutal fluorescents beaming down on my face. Allie’s head still lays on my shoulder as she sleeps. I lift my head up, but she doesn’t move at all. Her mouth is slightly open, and a little bit of drool is dripping on her shirt. I feel like I shouldn’t disturb her peace. Hopefully her dreams aren’t as dreary and sad as the reality she’s escaped from. Suddenly, as if she knew I was thinking about her, the pressure of Allie’s head lifts up off my shoulder. 

“Oh, I guess we both fell asleep. Told you.” She smiles warmly. “I wonder how it’s going.”

“It feels like it’s been forever. It’s already nightfall.” 

“Nightfall comes early in winter, though. I don’t know anything about appendectomies, especially amateur appendectomies, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know, Allie.” 

“Sam. Calm down.” 

“I don’t know how to calm down.” I feel like I can’t even control my thoughts. Even all of the sleep didn’t seem to help. Not even a good dream, a nice memory being relived. All of the thoughts from before keep rushing back in, and I’m remembering his will, and his cold, scared, wet eyes crying until he ran out of tears, and I remember him kissing me like it’s the last time, and I’m crying now, and I can’t stop, and Allie is looking at me like I’m out of it, which I am, and the only things keeping me steady are her hands grabbing my arms and her eyes. “I can’t just calm down—he’s...he’s in there, in surgery, and he might be alive but he might be dead,  _ dead _ , Allie—and if he’s gone…” If he’s gone, I might not ever love anybody else ever again. But I don’t say that. “I--He can’t die, Allie.”

“I know what it’s like to lose someone you love, Sam. It hurts. It’s never ending pain. But eventually it gets easier. It never goes away, but it’s easier. We’re all in this together, Sam. You don’t have to feel this pain alone. Ever.”

“I don’t want to feel any pain at all. I just want him.” 

“Oh, Sam. Come here.” We hug again, this time it’s me that’s holding her tight, so tight I wonder if she can even breathe. We pull back and she grabs my face. “You know...I used to think pain...was a punishment for love. For feeling so strongly for someone that your happiness would be gone without them. But I think pain…it shows that all of your love and emotion was real. It’s better to feel pain for losing love than never having felt it at all. I had an amazing sister, and I will love her and miss her forever. But I’d rather live with this pain than never have had her at all. I wouldn’t...be who I am today without her.” 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.” 

“You will be Eden’s parent with Becca. And you will be my friend. And Will’s friend. And Kelly, and Gordie, and Bean. You have us, Sam. No matter what.” 

“Allie…” 

There’s someone in my peripheral, a shadow in the darkness, a lone silhouette. Our heads turn, and it’s Kelly. My breath shudders as I stumble toward her. Her face looks pale, almost as white as the lights, and she looks like she’s not here, like her mind is somewhere else. 

“Kelly? What’s the news?” Allie speaks for me, because God knows I can’t form any words. She steps closer, and she looks terrified, like she’s holding back bad news. She looks just as scared as I feel. 

“Kelly…” is all I can mutter. She walks towards me and grabs my hands, when she looks up at me, I can see the formation of tears in her eyes. 

“He’s alive, Sam.” 

All of the breath I was holding explodes out of my mouth. 

“He’s alive?”

Kelly smiles and laughs.

“He’s alive. He’ll be asleep for a while, but he’s okay. You can both go home. Get some sleep.”

“No, I need to see him. I need to see him. Can I stay in his room?”

“That should be fine.”

Allie grabs my wrist.

“I’ll let you see him first.”

“No. You waited with me. You can see him too.” Allie smiles. 

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” I turn to Kelly. “Thank you, Kelly.” I hug her, and I’m trying to convey just how thankful I am for her, for saving the man I love. She squeezes me back, and I can feel how exhausted she is. Her hands feel clammy and weak, and she feels like she’s about to collapse, just like I have been for the past few hours. 

“Get some rest, Kelly,” Allie says. “We’ll talk more later, okay?”

“Okay.” She looks at me and smiles, before she takes off her scrubs. 

Allie signs to me:  _ Are you ready? _

I nod. 

_ I’m ready.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for leaving you all on a cliffhanger for so long...I was in a bit of a writer's block. Still kind of am, but I wrote this in a burst of energy and inspiration and a little out of guilt haha. Here's some closure for you all for now!


	11. Is This Heaven?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After waking up from surgery, Grizz has to learn how to recover. Luckily, he has a great best friend, a wonderful boyfriend, his boyfriend's best friend, and his boyfriend's and best friend's baby to comfort him.

**_grizz_**

Oh, shit. Am I in Heaven?

The answer is no, unless Heaven is a hospital room. The lights are just fucking _blinding._ My eyes can barely even adjust. Why is _this_ the ideal setting for someone waking up from surgery? Blinding them? When my eyes do adjust, I take a look around and take in my surroundings. I’ve been in a hospital plenty of times. Twice for concussions from football. Once for a broken leg. When I was eight, I got my tonsils taken out. I had some great ice cream. Those were the days. I know about appendectomies because my dad had one, when I was little. It was late at night, and he didn't feel good, but I was a bouncy child who couldn’t keep still so I kept jumping on his bed and then eventually on him. I remember after that was when he realized his pain in his side was so bad that he needed to go to the hospital. Then he had surgery, and I’ll tell you what, I thought I killed him. Luckily, appendectomies are like the easiest surgery for surgeons to do. I’ve seen Grey’s Anatomy. I know what’s up. 

Across my bed is the television, and beside me I have a side table with a bouquet of flowers in a vase. I can smell them from the bed. I can see the bathroom door is closed, with the lights on. Someone must be in there. Beside the door, I see Allie sitting on a chair, slouched over with her head balancing on her palm, sleeping. She’s snoring so loud that I’m surprised it didn't wake me up earlier. I look up and see a bag of fluids dripping into the IV that’s stuck in my arm, and immediately my body stiffens, like I just figured out what I’m doing here in this bed. My hand twitches, and I can feel every tube in me. I can feel every stitch and suture. With all of the gas in me, I feel so light, almost like a balloon about to float away. 

My throat is so dry that when I try to talk, almost nothing comes out. 

“All...ie?” It’s not loud enough to wake her up. “Allie.” Still nothing. Of course. Allie is a deep sleeper. Nothing can wake that girl up, not even when her best friend wakes up from major surgery. I feel antsy, but I’m afraid to move. I feel like, if I sit up even just a little, my stitches will break and my guts will spill all over the bed--it’s a gross enough image to almost make me throw up. God, I’m tired of throwing up. No thanks. 

The toilet flushes, and, with it being in such close proximity to Allie’s chair and also being extremely loud, it wakes her up. She jolts, with her eyes opening wide, when she notices me. 

“Grizz?”

“That’s my name.”

“Grizz!”

“Don’t wear it out, now.” 

She runs to me and wraps her arms around my neck. I want to lift my hand up and touch her arm, but it’s as stiff as a board and I’m afraid to bend it. 

“Oh my god, Grizz. You scared us.”

She’s wiping away tears of joy. I smile.

“I’m sorry. Wasn’t exactly my plan.”

“I know. I know…” She sits down on the bed by my leg. “How do you feel?”

“I’ve had better days.”

“Yeah, that’s for sure.” She chuckles. “You’ve looked better.”

“What, you don’t like ‘hospital chic’?” 

“No, no, I’m a big fan.” She laughs, and it’s nice to see her laugh, especially since I don’t know how much laughing she’s been doing in the past few days. 

The door to the bathroom opens suddenly, and more light enters the room, and leaves my eyes once again struggling to adjust. 

“Grizz?”

It’s his voice. Sam’s. He closes the door behind him, and the light is gone. There he is, standing right in front of me. His eyes look so tired, like he hasn’t gotten a day of sleep, and I’m sure he hasn’t slept. I thought he would run to me, but he doesn’t. I think he’s afraid of touching me, like he’s afraid to break me. He walks slowly until he reaches my face. God, I missed those baby blues. 

“Hey, there. Long time no--”

Before I can finish, he cuts me off with a tight hug, so tight that I feel like he might be cutting off my air. 

“S--am---”

He lets go all of the sudden, but he keeps his face right in front of mine. I can see the dark bags under his eyes, the pain in his eyes, and where he’s been biting his lips in anxiety, but--and I think for the first time in a while, his lips turn up into a smile, and his teeth emerge from it, even with a slight chuckle out of happiness. A small tear of joy falls out of his perfect eyes and down his cheek, which I wipe away. 

“I missed you,” Sam mutters. 

“I missed you too. I mean, I’ve been asleep, but I still missed you.” He laughs again, harder, and presses his lips to mine. Oh, I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s like a fresh rainfall in a drought, that’s how much I have been needing a kiss from Sam’s lips. It wasn’t until they were on mine that I realized just how bad I need it. I kiss him back, and I moan just a little, which is embarrassing because Allie’s watching us reunite while she shifts to the end of the bed to make room for Sam. He’s hovering over me, trying to make sure he doesn’t lay on my stomach, which is great because I’m still _extremely_ aware of my stitches. 

“Maybe I should leave you guys alone for a little?”

“What? No way. Come on, group hug.” I motion for her to come over, and she walks over and we all hug while still hovering over me. “I’m sorry my body decided to not work properly.”

“Don’t apologize,” Sam replied. “It’s not your fault.”

“I’m still gonna apologize. I don’t like the idea of you guys being sad about me.”

“Well, you’re the one who called Becca telling her you were dying and then left me a _video will_ , you know.”

“Wow, so overdramatic!” Allie squealed. I facepalm.

“I know, I know, look--I really did think I was dying. I _could have_ died! It was a valid fear to have.”

“So emo.” 

“I am _not_ emo.” 

“Grizz the emo boy.” Allie chuckles, and then yawns. “Okay. I’m tired. Now that I know you’re alive and good, I think I’m gonna head home and sleep in my warm, comfy bed for the rest of the week.”

“Wow, I wake up and the first thing you do is leave.” I joke. 

“I am the Mayor of New Ham, Gareth. I need at _least_ ten hours of sleep, and I have gotten--” She holds up a zero with her hands. “Zero. Zilch. Nada.”

“Aw, does the baby need a nappy?” 

“If you didn't just wake up from surgery, I would tell you to fuck off. But I won’t.” She looks over at Sam. “I can go tell the others, if you want visitors.”

“Go ahead and tell Becca,” Sam says. “I know she’s worried.”

“Yessssss,” I groan. “I need some Eden time as soon as possible.” Sam smiles at me as soon as he reads it on my lips. “Go on, Allie. Go get your beauty sleep. I won’t hold it against you.” She flips me off. “Seriously, though...thanks for keeping him company.”

“No problem. Now make sure you get some rest, okay?”

“Yes, mom.” She gives a half smile. It’s a funny joke, but it hits kind of different now that nobody really has a mom anymore, except Eden. “Seriously. Go.”

“Okay. I’m going. I’m going!” Then she’s gone. I wanted her to stay, honestly, but I know Allie, and even though she spends most days chilling in bed, especially when she’s going through a stressful time, I know that really she just spends all of her time overthinking, stressing out, and crying. I know this to be true. I can’t imagine how hard it would have been to sit in the lobby downstairs with Sam as he cried or freaked out. I don’t know how much sleep she’s been getting, but she has a town to lead, and she has a lot of planning to do when it comes to figuring out how to start farming on the land we found. 

Sam is grabbing my hand, and squeezing it like he’s holding on for dear life. When I look up at him, he’s still a little teary eyed. 

“Okay, now, that we’re alone…” I scooch over on the bed and pull back the covers before giving him a little hint of a Grizz eyebrow raise saying, _come on in._ He chuckles, and his cheeks are reddening as he sits beside me. It reminds me of when we first hung out in his bedroom, and we were laying down all naked after our first time and he just looked up at me--the first time I fell in love with his eyes-- while he was reading my lips and I remember trying to sign all of the things he had taught me that day and I was trying desperately to try to live in that moment forever, because I always thought I would only experience this kind of thing in a dream. After realizing your ‘coming out in college’ plan wouldn’t come to fruition and knowing you only know one other gay boy in town (but he happens to be the cutest boy you know), your hopes of romance are slim to none. Especially when you know that you’re not out, not really, and you’re not even sure if you _want_ to come out, especially when you’re stuck with these people who may or may not accept you, and you’re not even sure if this cute gay boy knows you even exist, and even if he did, would he even like you back? Even if you’re the only gay boys left in the world for the rest of time?

I think _way_ too much, I know.

Sam has tears in his eyes. Some of them have already started to drip down his soft pale cheeks and I wipe them away before they fall past his neck. 

“Hey,” I whisper. He closes his eyes, trying to hold back the tears that I’m sure he’s been keeping inside this whole time. I put my finger under his now moist chin and pull his face up to look at me. He forces his eyes open, and they’re wet and red, just like when we had that argument after I found out about Eden--but these are happy tears, I think. I hope. “Hey. It’s alright. I’m here.” 

“I...I was so….scared, Grizz.”

“I know. I know.” I take my hand and place it behind his head, letting him lean against me and feel my warmth, to hear my heartbeat pounding steadily, to know that I’m here, alive, and I’m not going anywhere. I can hear him lightly sobbing into my chest, and I don’t want to interrupt. I just lit him lay there, digging his fist into my hospital gown and his head into my chest, letting out all of the pain and sadness he had kept bundled up. 

Then, he looks up at me, and I think his eyes have run out of tears. 

“I’m sorry,” he mutters. 

“Don’t be sorry. It’s okay.”

“I shouldn’t be crying--you’re alive. That’s a good thing.”

“You’re okay now, that’s all that matters.” I press a quick kiss to his forehead. I sign to him: _Now we’re okay._

_Now we’re okay._

“Knock knock.” 

Our heads whip over to the door, and it’s Becca Gelb standing in the doorway, along with Eden in her arms. 

“Hey, Becca.” 

Sam stands up and goes to hug her. 

“I’m sorry I didn't call you,” Sam said. “I didn't want you to worry.”

“Well, that didn't work,” Becca says with a chuckle. “It just made me worry even more.” She looks over at me, and she smiles wide. “I guess I don’t have to worry anymore. The man of the hour is awake.”

“The hour? More like the week.”

“Alright. Man of the week.” She walks over to me with Eden. “How are you feeling?”

“My body’s tired, but my mind’s wide awake,” I say. My body feels limp and fatigued, but my mind is going a mile a minute. So many things to think about now that I’m not dead. So many things I have to do, none of which I can do right now in this hospital room, or in the state that I’m in.

“Well, this little girl couldn’t wait to see you.” Eden is extra bubbly this morning. Her little outfit is a nice shade of baby blue, and she even has little shoes on her feet. I wonder where Becca found all of the baby clothes. I put my hands out, and Becca lets me hold her. She’s like a little drop of sunshine, all smiley. Her hands immediately go up toward my hair, and I lean my head forward so all of my hair is falling down in her face. She lets out a little laugh and goes to grab it, and it’s so adorable that I think I could melt. 

“One day you’ll have hair this long, kid.”

“And one day she’ll find the scissors and cut it all off.” 

“Oh, definitely.” 

I lean up, and I give Eden my finger to hold. 

“Hey, Grizz?” Becca asks.

“Yeah?”

“I’m so glad you didn't die.”

Sam chuckles, but Becca is silent. I look down at Eden, with her whole little tiny hand wrapped around my finger, and I feel Sam’s hand grab onto my other hand by the end of the bed, and I suddenly feel _very_ alive, so aware of the fact that hours ago I could have been dead instead, but here I am, with weight and a heart and a breath and sight and hearing and everything I need. Sure, I still feel completely like shit and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to walk today or tomorrow or even by the end of the week, but I know that I’m _alive,_ and that’s all that matters. This seems like such a dichotomy compared to a few days ago, when I was hysterical and terrified and thought it was the end. 

“Yeah, I am too.” 

“We should let him rest,” Sam says. “I think he’s tired.” 

“You’re tired, too,” Becca says. “Get some sleep, okay Sam?” 

“I’ll try.” 

Becca swipes Eden from my arms.

“We’ll be back tomorrow, okay? Get some rest. Don’t let Sam keep you up.” Sam smiles at her, and I’m glad that his face can smile instead of cry, now. 

“I can make no promises.” 

“Okay. Bye, Grizz.”

“Bye, Becca. Bye, Eden.” 

Now that they’re gone, the room is eerily quiet. 

“Hey,” I say to Sam, pulling him toward me. “You wanna take a nap?”

“Honestly? I would love one.” He smiles. 

“When was the last time you slept?”

“The other day, before you got out of surgery. I kind of passed out.” 

“Come sleep, then. I’ll make room.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Get in, Sam.” 

He chuckles. 

“Fine.”

He gets under the covers instead of on top of them, and he leaves his shoes off at the side of the bed, and he snuggles up beside me. My hospital gown is so thin that I can feel how cold his hands are when he touches me, and I almost shiver. He puts his head on my shoulder, and he closes his eyes tightly. I close my eyes, too, but my mind is still racing. I wonder what Sam is thinking about right now. I wonder if he’s going to ask me about my will, about what I said about the last names. Does he expect me to say something? Does he want me to ask him to...to marry me? I wonder if he doesn’t want me to, now. Maybe that was too forward of me.

I wonder what the world would be like if I didn't make it out. I wonder if Sam would have been okay. I think about what he said to me, before he went under. About Eden not being his. I wonder why he didn't tell me earlier. 

“Stop thinking so much,” he whispers. “I can see your eyes straining.” 

“Sorry.” I close my eyes again. “Goodnight.”

I don’t think. I just turn my mind right off. I just let myself sink into my bed, and sleep takes me.   
  



End file.
